before I start, think maybe I should clarify - I didn't mean to imply that DA should be for professional artists or artists of a certain skill level only. Not at all! Just that for anyone who IS trying to become professional, it is not much good having DA as your point-of-contact. Right now my gallery here is pretty much the only place where my work can be viewed, and I don't feel comfortable sending potential clients here, for exactly the reasons explained in the last journal. (Not that I am fending off people clamouring to buy stuff haha)

and anyway, really I can't talk because I don't exactly give the best impression of myself here. I will be very glad to have a formal 'home' for my art, where I can wear my serious businesslike hat. I can't really do that here, it jars with the place...

Anyway. About fear of sounds.

Last night I experienced the first thunderstorm in my flat (where I live on my own). I have been alarmed by thunderstorms since I was little and for some reason in has never left me. For most people, irrational fear of storms is to do with the lightning - they fear that the house or themselves will be struck.

For me, it is the sound. It makes my heart rate rise in an instant, I sweat badly, I am too scared to move and my eyes are wide with fear. I have to bury myself right under the duvet, with just the tiniest gap so I can breathe. It has got better over time, for instance now I can relax myself when the storm is in a quiet phase. But during the middle when it is directly over the house and the thunderclaps are loud and powerful, I get quite scared.

The lightning itself only bothers me because I know that thunder follows. The brighter and more intense the flashes, the more scared I get and the more my heart races. As I've got older, I have even taken to putting my fingers to my ears after a really bright flash, in anticipation of the loud crack of thunder that usually follows (last night my whole arm went completely numb, but I could not bring myself to move it and relieve the discomfort until the storm was over).

They always wake me without fail, right from the very first distant rumble, and I cannot relax and go back to sleep until it has long passed. During the day I will turn up the radio, put the lights on, close the curtains and try to drown it out, but it makes me terribly jumpy and nervous.

It's not just storms either. Any kind of loud or sudden sound affects me. I can't go to an airshow, even though I love to watch the planes, because the sound upsets me. I have not been to a fireworks display for years and couldn't imagine being at one. I hate loud Harley bikes and roaring big-engined cars like Ferraris. I don't like walking past cars that are starting up in case they backfire. I visibly flinch when dogs bark in close proximity. I hate party balloons near me because I am afraid they will pop. (I've recently learnt how to let the air out without popping them, I was so proud of myself ) For a long time I couldn't even pull a Christmas cracker (thankfully I'm ok with that now, that was a little difficult to explain once I got past childhood)

Oddly though, loud music does not bother me, for example in a club, or in my earphones. I thought maybe this is because it's a constant, and it's just sudden unexpected loud sounds that trouble me - but that can't be the case, because even when I know a loud sound is coming, I'm still just as rattled by it.

Most people just think I just have a nervous disposition, or that I'm being silly, but it can be a real fear. I was just wondering if anyone else suffers from anything similar, because I feel like not many people really understand it.

I turn 25 on Sunday so I really need to get this fear of storms sorted out